.........................

holy shit! i loved slumdog millionaire!!!

as with the strong winds that prevail this night and the chaos that is quite troublesome...
i mark my words, i hope not to repeat it...
but in fact, i do agree with your sentiment,
if this is not, working, maybe it's not supposed to work...

friday... upon waking up, dad asked if i wanted to come with him to the hospital. Stupid me and only half witted I didn't even think that it was he himself he was worried about. So he just asked the driver to go drive for him and he went to the E.R. alone... I asked if he was okay,he said he was but only to eventually find out that he left against medical advice and didn't want to be confined right away. He was even funny once getting home in saying that he didn't want mom (who was in cebu) to find out because he doesn't want her to worry.

saturday... when I opened my eyes mom was already there, fixing the mess of a room that I have. She saw my grades and I think that she was quite happy with it (for once). She then sort of made my dad's situation suddenly very heavy being the nurse that she was. So on the afternoon we dropped by St. Lukes to get the rest of my dad's results... and with it mom did some consulting with the doctors that she knew and they all said that we should admit dad right away. So that night mom took dad to the heart center for an ecg? i think. Being the responsible son that my brother is, he volunteered to do some of my dad's concerns including going to Nueva Ecija to fix matters there. And thus, leaving me alone to be there to drive in case of emergency.

sunday... at about quarter to 2 am my dad complained of chest pain which startled my mom and immediately called me out to leave for the hospital. Luckily I haven't slept yet by that time thanks to the usual late night phone conversation, so I found it easy to prepare and leave. Of course by that time I was already very nervous and scared, but driving at 2 am wasn't really hard for there were no other cars, we finally arrived at the heart center in a few minutes and my dad was wheelchaired in his way to the E.R. There he was set up for an immediate angiogram and shortly after was the angioplasty (uhm... they put a catheter in him that eventuall found its way to his heart). It turns out, that a big artery in his heart is already narrowing, thankfully not yet blocked. So they put up this stent thingum and put it in the small opening of the blockage and ballooned it so that the path would be bigger for blood flow. It turned out to be a success but not without its share of scary moments. I was really weak and scared then, plenty of times I almost broke out to tears for that was the first time that I ever saw my dad that fragile and without that sense of control that he always seems to have. Eventually he was transferred to the CCU and he's staying there up to now. Another scary moment happened once again though when he had bleeding, but I think it's okay now. I hope he recovers soon.

anyway, my mom always asks me to pray for my dad, and I do, even with my whackjob of a faith I do, but knowing this I need to ask everyone that may read this to please pray for my dad's life and quick recovery. He still has another angioplasty to clear up the other narrowing areas of his heart in 2 weeks time.

Nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around

pero puta naman, sa lahat ng pangalan na pwedeng banggitin, un pa talaga eh!

...its funny how you could disassemble lego blocks and put them back again...

uhh... its bout 2 days till my birthday and i'm bedridden because of this severe fever/possible dengue. well i hope it comes down already, i was about 40 degrees Celsius during the first night, then 39, then 38,... i think 38 p rin cya, thou di ko alam kasi wla kong thermometer na hawak.
anyway, my mom rushed me to the ER at St. Lukes earlier because she fears that i have dengue/typhoid/or some kind of virus... i dunno the results coz i was asleep the whole time after they got some blood from me, my mom says its some sort of infection or so, a relapse of my fever a few weeks ago...

i also cut my pe finals,,, i dunno how im gonna get around this, but i hope my excuse slip/medical certificate/medical armband works as an alibi.

anyway... some birthday wishes:
1. i hope this sickness gets away from me
2. i wish everything goes according to plan
3. i hope i get to drive my own car next sem
4. i wish its already 7 years from now, then 10, then 12
5. i hope i get to meet her father, before he leaves again
6. i hope "that" kind of emotion stays eternal
7. i hope i could escape, get away, fly away
8. umm... material things are unecessary....
unless of course n may kind soul na magbigay ng...
a) ******* *****
b) *********** *
c) *********
d) ...
(wala n lang words para ayos)

now i feel the ruthless shrug coldly
as the breeze swiftly passes by me
my blood lays stagnant, quietly
waiting for the vampires, bloodthirsty

i prepared my own deathbed, how bad could it be?
i dived into my own suicide pessimistically
little did i know, what i was frantic to see
would leave me alone to shiver endlessly

the words are not enough
frustration's always rough
for every time i bluff
effects are always tough

couldn't i be emancipated
forever filled with hatred
departed from my beloved
shivering in the dark night surrounded

...never take yourself for granted...

You're the analyst
The fungus in my milk
When you want no one
And you got someone
Through the wind
You crawl
And laugh at burning dunes
When no one else will
Ever see

Now that you know why you feel like you do
They're turning their head whilst they wait
For no one
And finally I know why you feel like letting go

I'm watching you watch
Over me and I've got
The greatest view from here
I'm watching you watch
Over me and I've got
The greatest view from here

Mistakes don't mean a thing
If you don't regret them
So pack your tactic toes for the winter
Chain a waterfall to burned and withered skin
No-one else will ever see

I'm watching you watch
Over me and I've got
The greatest view from here
I'm watching you watch
Over me and I've got
The greatest view from here

Now that you know why you feel like you do
They're turning their head whilst they wait
For no one
And finally I know why I feel like you're letting go

I'm watching you watch
Over me and I've got
The greatest view from here
I'm watching you watch
Over me and I've got
The greatest view from here
The greatest view from here
The greatest view

...miss na kita...

the world is filled with undying embers
mark the day she made me cry
amidst the fact of social murder
remember to say goodnight

the world is filled with star crossed lovers
mark the day she asked why
feeling the pain of manslaughter
put me into the light

fill my world with some earthly flowers
mark the day that i die
even if my heart is seeking shelter
I'll give in to the fight

the world is filled with undying embers
mark the day she asked why
admitting I'm wrong is no bother
I love you my dear, goodnight.

Instead of staying put,
Mercy, to those who move.

Oppose the melancholy,
Flying above the masses...
Forever to the moment.

Thunder struck the same spot,
Over solitude and excitement.

Broken people should be happy,
Anguish to those confront me.
Gliding smoothly into my mind,
Under the moonlight of my heart.
Inside myself is where i find,
Or where is it that i should start.

it rings, but it's faint
just an echo in a world of noise
it's so far away and you need not anticipate
what may or what not, nothing would levitate

it rings again, ever so persistently
the bouncing sound then becomes a voice
slowly approaching that you just can't wait
for it to get to you, is that of fate?

it rings yet again, and now its clearly audible
its golden resonance strikes heroic poise
but when the time comes you find that its hardly late
though what your looking forward to is not of hate

rather... it isn't there at all...

Today I'm gonna try something different... no poetic shit and all... just plain words that might actually take my mind of shit, or just make me think about it more.....

Time it seems has gone a long long while causing me to forget something that is far from being a dead memory, it's still very much alive, breathing down my neck, stalking me at every second. But as day and night pass me by everyday, happy debris came and covered it, hiding it in ruins, thus my self destruction.

"Killing" it made it worse for me, damn! If only i could have filtered it, if only i preempted and stepped up and then maybe it wouldn't be this bad. A coward, i am. Yes indeed, no other word to better describe what i became. Someone who runs away constantly who couldn't bear to face pain. Oh but now, due to my marathon record at it... im up for a world of it! I could say goodbye to freedom, Oh dear freedom i bid you farewell, today might be the last day i see you... for a long time at least. Once again i'll be cuffed, shakled.... oh well, i deserve it.

Anyway, listening to Wolfgang soothes me up a bit. Well at least it was until 'Cast of Clowns' played...
"Father, I know now
It's etched too deep in sand
I'm sorry...so so sorry
I couldn't wipe it with my hands"...
That line shot right through... OUCH! And to make it worse, when i came out my room to eat dinner, my sister was there at the sala alone, then she suddenly said, "John lagot ka! Ang init ng ulo ni papa sa yo"... Heavy feeling made even heavier.

If theres one thing that i don't like, that would be being ordered around.... not too far in its tail is answering heavy questions. I've escaped it for too long, and now i'm up for a ton of it... which i don't think i could answer... for i would like to forget my reasons already. I know even before that i couldn't explain what i have done. I wouldn't want to tell them everything. Surely they wouldn't understand. Well if theres something i would want to happen is that they would just ignore it and we'll all continue to live normally.... but that's too much of wishful thinking, that would never happen in a million years, specially my parents that expect too much of me.... If only if they would just not speak about it at all, then i would prove to them that i am worthy of being their son..... in my own way, and time.

Bottom line, i know what i need to do. With this i need not face rotten consequences. I need not answer questions, specially those that start with 'why'. OH what the hell, again that's wishful thinking... as of now it's the silence before the storm... or better yet, the silence before the catastrophic earth shattering mega tornado....

Damn... i wish for once that the world wouldn't care about me...

"the stage has been turned down
the clowns have lost their crowd
now sleep well and sound
quietly rest....."

Nakakapanibago.... talaga.

each player of this game starts off with 15 weird things/habits/little known facts about yourself. people who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 15 weird habits/things/little known facts as well as state the rule clearly. at the end you need to tag 5 people.

1. i don't like pineapples and raisins... i hate them more than vegetables
2. i have a weird left shoulder that creates a cracking sound every time i move it
3. my mom "forces" me to go to the parlor with her
4. i like to roll up scotch tape and play with it with my hands and lips
5. i already forgot the reason why i wanted to grow my hair
6. i have this dog stuffed toy that i always hug at night
7. i'm trying to stop being addicted to soft drinks
8. i wear pink and purple anklets...
9. i'm keso
10. i always find a way to lose guitar picks
11. i used to hate EMO, but now its ok
12. i'm still wearing braces after 6 years
13. i haven't gone to the dentist in 7 months
14. i baby talk
15. i despise the "idea" of starbucks, havianas etc...


well there... hehe.

i am fear
i, a frame
i'm afraid
dim, i, afar

i can't see
i, net case
when i graze
grew in haze

those who dear
where shot ado
or terrorized eyes
see error, dizy root

i don't know what came upon me
but all that's left is cold misery
wait i shall, for i would be sober
wait i shall, for you to come over

ever this day
be at my side
to light and guard
to rule and guide
amen...

a prayer way back in grade school, back when i still believed in prayers... anyway, this struck me again, reflecting on what had been. then it hit me... couldn't this prayer be a metaphor, could it stand for something else. haha, of course it can, of course it can....

--------------------------------------------
Ever so often an angel passes by
unfolding wings that wrap around me
or rather, it is i who entwine
seeking heat that's apart from me...

Amid the bloody gore, destruction and pain
seeing teenage melodrama that drives me insane
expressions and impressions that will never wane
requiems and goodbyes that is to my disdain

Chasing each other in romance and fury
tickling sensations of what is before me
setting aside some cake and spaghetti
enjoying the moment that's oh so lovely

In the palm of my hands, true love and affection
i dare you not to lead it to loss and affliction
for i may drown, be victim to the deepest ocean
but i'm sure the angel would come to my salvation
--------------------------------------------

"Anghel sa lupa mananatili ka
Hindi na hahayaang lumipad at iwan ako
Anghel sa lupa nahuhumaling na
Langit nadarama pag kapiling kita"
(anghel - stonefree)

Patuloy ka lang tumugtog o musika
Huwag mo akong lubayan
Kahit na hindi kita nakikita
Ikaw ay naririnig pa naman

Ilipad mo ako, o musika
Itakas mo ko sa king kulungan
Dalhin mo ko sa iyong pagkanta
Sa iyong himig ako'y iduyan